Unexpected - looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

Many of you know that I have really struggled lately with being stuck in this deep dark hole of depression.  It has been getting better.  I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not that I am not grateful. It's not that I don't see what the Lord has done for me in my life. I do. Trust me I do. Let's recount it - shall we?

Fertility.  I went through it.  Not like many others I know - but I went through a lot.  I never thought I would have any children.  And here I am - 3 children.  Healthy children.  And even their births ... I am so fortunate.  I went into premature labor with Caleb as well as having gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. I had to be on bed rest starting at 27 weeks. With Megan and Marissa I was already high risk and I went on bed rest at about 20 weeks.  It was discovered that I was suffering from twin-to-twin transfusion and they were watching them both very closely. I had them 2 months early and they spent 4 weeks in the NICU.  I had trouble with all 3 children, but we got through the very hard early days.  Now we are just getting through the hard teenage years together.

We wanted more children, but we are so fortunate to have the ones that we have.  And lets face it.  I suck at all of that.  Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, giving birth ... not my gift.  So not to go into all of the details here, but after having used up all of my girly parts to their fullest ability it was determined that I would have mine yanked out.  Whew!  I even threw them a bon voyage party.  If you were there you knew that was fun.  :)  But even since then I have had some problems because they left my ovaries so I wouldn't go into premature menopause, and since I have PCOS the cystic ovaries have cause problems which have caused emergency surgeries, etc...

I have had a ton of trouble with my left ear.  I have had all of the bones in my middle ear removed, multiple surgeries on the mastoid area for various infections, and even though the doctors have tried valiantly - I don't have an ear drum any more in my left ear.  I was able to get a bone anchored hearing aid installed to help with my hearing.

I had my gallbladder out.  That was supposed to be quick and easy - laprascopic. But it turned into a surprisingly long surgery because they ended up having not being able to do it that way and having to open me with a 6 inch incision instead.

Decided I was tired of carrying around a lot of extra weight so I had gastric bypass surgery.  It worked fantastically.  As I have stated before - this is not a quick bandaid.  This is a lifelong issue for me.  And I have had quite a few problems as a result of the surgery.  I have had some internal hernias develop as a result that have had to be fixed as well as what the surgeon has called "redundant bowel".

I developed pancreatitis that landed me in the hospital, and because of my unique "plumbing" also got me a surgery to fix my sphincter of oddi because they couldn't fix it the  regular way.

Also, my remnant stomach ended up having to be removed because it eventually ended up bleeding.  That in and of itself was fun - just determining that it was what was bleeding and that it was bleeding for no good reason other than it just ... was.  Didn't even know you could live with having a good portion of your stomach removed.  But ... there you go.

And cancer - I've survived two of them now.  Renal cell carcinoma was discovered  really by accident when I was suffering from pancreatitis.  They did an abdominal CT to do some testing and just happened to find a tumor on my right kidney.  And voila! - Kidney cancer.  Renal cell carcinoma does not react well to chemo or radiation at all.  I had the tumor and my kidney removed and there were no other traces of the cancer found in my body.  I have made it now almost 6 years and no other traces of the cancer have been found.

Acute promyelocytic leukemia. In my research the way my came on is really unique - you expected something else?  :)  It literally came on within a few days, and I have not been able to find other cases with numbers like mine that did not have other complications.  At the time I don't think I had any idea how close I came to actually dying when I was diagnosed and very acute at the hospital.  I was just doing what I had to do to get to the next day.

I look at all of these things and yes, I am grateful. I am thankful. I am well aware of how far I have come - all I have nearly missed - all that God has saved me from.  I know. I am well aware. I am the one who has lived with this body that basically decides to betray me on a regular basis.

And I think that is where I have been stuck. I am the one who has lived it. And I am getting better.  I swear I am.  But this is not something that I one day wake up and decide ... OK people!  That was enough - I'm done living in that deep dark place.  But I can say - I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is dim - but I can kind of see it.  And part of what helps me to see it is to remind myself of what I have been through - where I have been.

It also helps to see and to hear all of the wonderful people who have stepped in to help me through all of this. I know that it has been hard to see me go through these things. I appreciate everything you have done for me.  Stick with me.  I will get there.  This last fight - sad to say - has changed me a bit - jaded me if you will.  To be honest - I'm just quite tired of having my body betray me like this and it has really messed with my mind.  I'm trying really hard to wade my way through it.  Stick with me - please.

Blood Donations - a good idea

Today at work there is a corporate blood drive happening. It makes me think... it's been a long time since I have been able to donate blood because of various reasons. Sometimes I was just sick, or had surgery. A lot of the time lately it was because of my bad anemia. Now, of course, it has to do with my cancer. But all of this brings me to thinking about just how much I really appreciate those of you who do donate blood, especially consistently. I received an inordinate amount of transfusions when I was hospitalized of both whole blood and platelets, and I can tell you that what you are doing today is saving lives. From those of us who can't donate... thank you.

Unexpected - a very good analogy

I read something recently about traumatic brain injury (it's very hard for me to even refer to myself this way for some reason) patients who have long term effects much like I do. It said that we wake up in the morning feeling like we either have the flu, or like we are hung over and there is nothing we can do about it. I felt like I was finally reading something where someone understood me.

I am having a very hard time finding anything about long term effects in hemmoraghic stroke patients like myself. I live in that world of knowing how to proceed because i can research it, etc... Well, it's not working in this case. Most people in my case end up as either a vegetable, or dead. So not helpful. The exercises they have me doing make everything worse. I know my recovery has been great, but there are long term side effects and so far as we can tell those are now permanent. I can work through them, and I am, but I am really young to be feeling this old. And this is not some meme I found on facebook. I am jealous of others my age as I watch all they do and all their energy. I don't have the focus or concentration. I can push myself, and I do. Sometimes it's worth it. But I pay for it, sometimes for days afterwards. My brain has to recooperate. I hate it.

I am pushing towards normal. Say it with me. Normal. It can be hard. And dark. Not that I don't have help. I do. But this is hard. And dark. Say it again.... normal. Is it ever coming for me?  Will I ever see normal again?

And all of this is just the stroke. I haven't touched the cancer.

Shaking my head.

Why do I write this stuff again? Check out some of these great videos:

Unexpected - where I am

So here I am.  What's up with me lately?

I did the talk on the Unexpected and how we should not ignore the times in our lives that are dark as long as do not ignore them - as long as we go through them with God.

So here I am.  I am going through a dark time.

I don't say this for a pat on the back.  I don't say this for an "Aw, Pam - it's OK." I say this because I just gave a talk on it and really it would be rather hypocritical of me if I didn't admit that I, myself, am going through a bit of a dark time, too.

Yeah, the cancer has been hard.  I have been classified as a high risk patient, which ensured that I have had to have maintenance therapy for 2 years.  Not a huge ordeal, but it's a lot to keep up with.  Pills to take that you can't miss, and schedules that you have to stay on top of.  It has taxed me because I have never really been very good at it.  So I have gotten much better at it because I have had to.

I think even harder has been my recovery from the stroke.  I hadn't considered it very much, but it has really been a lot.  According to doctors the stroke has had considerable detriment to my vestibular system - meaning the whole sensosymatic system of my body that handles the balance, focus, and concentration.  So I have gone through Vestibular Therapy 3 times a week where they "stir up" my symptoms in an effort to exercise my muscles. I have also been doing a specific kind of therapy on my feet in an effort to try to bring back some feeling in them (because I suffer from Raynaud's Syndrome as a result of peripheral neuropathy from the chemo). After doing these since the beginning of January it has been found that they really have not made that much of a difference. 3 times a week since the beginning of January.  I JUST CAN'T.  And I am not done seeing doctors.

So, yeah,  I am in a dark place right now.

A lot of you know me. You know I have been through a lot. 22 surgeries so far.  Countless visits to the hospital and doctors. And time after time after time after countless time I get back up again. It seems as though I get hit and I just get back up. I take a lick and keep on ticking so to speak. I may go to my land of denial for a while for some self preservation, but I seem to find a way to not allow these "issues" to keep me down. My faith keeps me steadfast.

And it is not that I do not have faith.  I do. But I am in a dark place.  And in keeping with practicing what I preach - I am just admitting - that is where I am. I am having a hard time.  I don't necessarily feel like I am at a place where I can take a lick and keep on ticking. I don't feel like I can practice my faith, or I can exercise my faith right now.  I don't feel like I am a good example to my children right now at what they should see when they look towards their mother for a Faith-ful woman - or a Proverbs 31 woman who can lead her children through the life they are experiencing right now.

Again - I didn't say this for a pat on the back. I didn't say this so you would have pity on me.  I just need to be honest and up front.  It's dark in here.

Unexpected - Again

When I originally posted my Unexpected post I had done a devotion for half time at Upward regarding how we all have the Unexpected in our life.  I was addressing all of the Unexpected that I had experienced in my life up to that point.  It was a lot to come out with and talk about.  I was trying to make sure that people understood that God is OK with how you handle the Unexpected in your life because He just wants to be there with you through it.

The Unexpected can take you to some dark places.  I have been to those dark places.  They aren't fun.  And for some of us they last longer than we would like them to. It's all OK.  God wants to be with you in the middle of it all. He knows, and it hurts Him too.

What I find so interesting is that it was literally almost 1 year to the day that I was there giving this same devotional about the Unexpected and then just a couple of weeks later I was in the ER because I found myself covered in these weird bruises.  That is when I was told I had leukemia, and then subsequently had my stroke.  Talk about the Unexpected.  It has just been the Unexpected from there.

This is what I talked about yesterday.  It can be hard to hear me at times because there was a lot going on, but I hope you can get what I was saying.

I still struggle with the Unexpected and handling those dark places. But God knows and He is there with me. I pray He is patient with me as I deal with them and figure them out.

World Cancer Day - You Can I Can

Today is World Cancer Day. As I sit and reflect on my own journey I am struck that in this day and age we still do not have a CURE for cancer. So many of us fight this disease in its many forms, and with it's many drugs. (Don't get me started on the conspiracy theories that I have regarding this.)

But on this day we can all unite. #YouCanICan

Go to www.worldcancerday.org to learn more about the fight against the many forms of cancer, and our desire to find support.

I Wonder

I have been thinking about the dichotomy in my body between the left side and the right side. On the left side is my one working kidney and the one working ovary.  So when I have pain on the left side of my body in that particular abdominal area - I can blame it on Liza (my good kidney), or Ophelia (my good ovary).

It has also been noticed that my left eye is a bit higher than my right eye. And, and I don't think it's a mistake that my stroke affected the right side of my body - making it ineffective since that side is basically ineffective anyway.

We're going to have to find a name for this.  It's just too good to let it go.