Unexpected - looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

Many of you know that I have really struggled lately with being stuck in this deep dark hole of depression.  It has been getting better.  I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not that I am not grateful. It's not that I don't see what the Lord has done for me in my life. I do. Trust me I do. Let's recount it - shall we?

Fertility.  I went through it.  Not like many others I know - but I went through a lot.  I never thought I would have any children.  And here I am - 3 children.  Healthy children.  And even their births ... I am so fortunate.  I went into premature labor with Caleb as well as having gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. I had to be on bed rest starting at 27 weeks. With Megan and Marissa I was already high risk and I went on bed rest at about 20 weeks.  It was discovered that I was suffering from twin-to-twin transfusion and they were watching them both very closely. I had them 2 months early and they spent 4 weeks in the NICU.  I had trouble with all 3 children, but we got through the very hard early days.  Now we are just getting through the hard teenage years together.

We wanted more children, but we are so fortunate to have the ones that we have.  And lets face it.  I suck at all of that.  Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, giving birth ... not my gift.  So not to go into all of the details here, but after having used up all of my girly parts to their fullest ability it was determined that I would have mine yanked out.  Whew!  I even threw them a bon voyage party.  If you were there you knew that was fun.  :)  But even since then I have had some problems because they left my ovaries so I wouldn't go into premature menopause, and since I have PCOS the cystic ovaries have cause problems which have caused emergency surgeries, etc...

I have had a ton of trouble with my left ear.  I have had all of the bones in my middle ear removed, multiple surgeries on the mastoid area for various infections, and even though the doctors have tried valiantly - I don't have an ear drum any more in my left ear.  I was able to get a bone anchored hearing aid installed to help with my hearing.

I had my gallbladder out.  That was supposed to be quick and easy - laprascopic. But it turned into a surprisingly long surgery because they ended up having not being able to do it that way and having to open me with a 6 inch incision instead.

Decided I was tired of carrying around a lot of extra weight so I had gastric bypass surgery.  It worked fantastically.  As I have stated before - this is not a quick bandaid.  This is a lifelong issue for me.  And I have had quite a few problems as a result of the surgery.  I have had some internal hernias develop as a result that have had to be fixed as well as what the surgeon has called "redundant bowel".

I developed pancreatitis that landed me in the hospital, and because of my unique "plumbing" also got me a surgery to fix my sphincter of oddi because they couldn't fix it the  regular way.

Also, my remnant stomach ended up having to be removed because it eventually ended up bleeding.  That in and of itself was fun - just determining that it was what was bleeding and that it was bleeding for no good reason other than it just ... was.  Didn't even know you could live with having a good portion of your stomach removed.  But ... there you go.

And cancer - I've survived two of them now.  Renal cell carcinoma was discovered  really by accident when I was suffering from pancreatitis.  They did an abdominal CT to do some testing and just happened to find a tumor on my right kidney.  And voila! - Kidney cancer.  Renal cell carcinoma does not react well to chemo or radiation at all.  I had the tumor and my kidney removed and there were no other traces of the cancer found in my body.  I have made it now almost 6 years and no other traces of the cancer have been found.

Acute promyelocytic leukemia. In my research the way my came on is really unique - you expected something else?  :)  It literally came on within a few days, and I have not been able to find other cases with numbers like mine that did not have other complications.  At the time I don't think I had any idea how close I came to actually dying when I was diagnosed and very acute at the hospital.  I was just doing what I had to do to get to the next day.

I look at all of these things and yes, I am grateful. I am thankful. I am well aware of how far I have come - all I have nearly missed - all that God has saved me from.  I know. I am well aware. I am the one who has lived with this body that basically decides to betray me on a regular basis.

And I think that is where I have been stuck. I am the one who has lived it. And I am getting better.  I swear I am.  But this is not something that I one day wake up and decide ... OK people!  That was enough - I'm done living in that deep dark place.  But I can say - I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is dim - but I can kind of see it.  And part of what helps me to see it is to remind myself of what I have been through - where I have been.

It also helps to see and to hear all of the wonderful people who have stepped in to help me through all of this. I know that it has been hard to see me go through these things. I appreciate everything you have done for me.  Stick with me.  I will get there.  This last fight - sad to say - has changed me a bit - jaded me if you will.  To be honest - I'm just quite tired of having my body betray me like this and it has really messed with my mind.  I'm trying really hard to wade my way through it.  Stick with me - please.