Unexpected ... yeah - all of it

So I haven't been very "bloggy" lately. To be honest... I just haven't been feeling it. The title of all my blogs has been "unexpected" after a blog I posted just before all of this happened that I had titled "Unexpected" after an Upward devotion that I did one Saturday afternoon.  I was saying that there is good unexpected and bad unexpected, but that basically it doesn't matter - God knows about it all and He knows what your reaction is going to be - good or bad - just give it to Him and walk with Him through it.  So as I gave it to Him and I walked through it all with Him I titled all of these posts Unexpected.

But to be honest - it is.  It is all just unexpected. All of it.  I am that person that I was speaking about. I have gotten through the cancer - I am in remission - I am in maintenance therapy. We are trying to figure out what is still bothering me in many different ways - I'm still experiencing vertigo and dizziness - I'm still experiencing headaches that won't go away.  Oh yeah - and in the midst of all this - I got to go see my Kidney Cancer doctor.  Guess what - it's been 5 years without a re-occurrence of Renal Cell Carcinoma. 5 Years NED.  One down.

Somehow - I'm supposed to be OK - be GOOD - with all of this.  I actually had a doctor say to me "You are a walking miracle!" This was about 10 minutes after saying "You are a shadow of your former self." I'm sorry but I think the former was probably more correct sir.  I really do feel more like I am a shadow of my former self.  I had actually gotten to the point where I had said "Hey! I think it's been a year since I've been in the hospital!"  Do not be mistaken - you won't hear those words cross my lips again. I had actually started to feel a sense of dread start to creep into me just before this happened to me because it had been a year since anything major had happened to me.  But NEVER had I imagined anything like this. I have been looking back at my facebook posts via applications like TimeHop or On This Day and all that I can see is ... this crap just keeps on happening.  It just keeps happening over and over and over again.

You spend all this time focused on getting through the chemo and getting into remission, only to realize - life has changed - forever.  This cancer is not like the RCC.  It is insidious. I had the stroke and it's side effects don't go away either.  And, yes, I'm doing wonderfully all things considered.  I don't want to make light of that in any way shape or form. I'm walking! I can see! I'm talking! I'm remembering! I don't want to belittle what God has done in my life.

But I do want to be honest with you. This isn't easy. This was totally unexpected. I don't like it ... AT ALL. I mean - really? Seriously? I don't even know where to start here when people ask me my medical history. I really don't. And when a nurse suggested I put it down in like a notebook or something - all I can say is the thought literally gives me a panic attack. 22 surgeries. 2 cancers. Among those surgeries some of the most rare and for no damn reason.  I have lost over 160 pounds over the past 6+ years and who knows how long some of that will stick. Some of that was intentional and some of it was not.

I just need to get this all out. I just need to get it down. I'm just tired of being told that I'm such a walking miracle and that I look so good.  I'm tired of being told my hair cut is so cute. I almost feel like it belittles what I have been through. I have so much left to do.