I Wonder

I have been thinking about the dichotomy in my body between the left side and the right side. On the left side is my one working kidney and the one working ovary.  So when I have pain on the left side of my body in that particular abdominal area - I can blame it on Liza (my good kidney), or Ophelia (my good ovary).

It has also been noticed that my left eye is a bit higher than my right eye. And, and I don't think it's a mistake that my stroke affected the right side of my body - making it ineffective since that side is basically ineffective anyway.

We're going to have to find a name for this.  It's just too good to let it go.

Dents in my fender

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Garrison Keillor

You can be assured that this is not a shallow life I'm living over here!

You all know I have had a gagillion surgeries.  With that many surgeries come that many scars. I like to name the crap that they have to remove from me. Elvira was my kidney tumor, Rosita was my bleeding remnant stomach, Thomasine was my twisted ovary. At one point I think I had Hermine the hematoma - you get the picture. Naming them seems to give me some sense of control over the situation - especially when I know that they will be evacuating the premises. 

But that is where my sense of control has always stopped. I have been very uncomfortable in my own skin. I've spoken about how my brain refuses to catch up with what it sees in the mirror. I still see the size 26 and 28 Pam - not the size 6 or 4 Pam that I have worked so hard to become.  I believe that a major reason for that is because when it's just me and the mirror all I see are the scars that have been left behind no matter what size I am.

I have a very talented niece. She is a wonderful photographer. And when I recently went to visit my sister for her birthday she graciously agreed to do a little photo-shoot in the vein of helping me heal from some of my scars.

So ...

Ready or not ...

Here we go ...

Look out world - here we come - me and my scars.

 There is a song by Francesca Battistelli that I love called Free to Be Me that says....

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek

Scars are simply signs that you are stronger than whatever tried to harm you.  I will be stronger.  I will be stronger than cancer. I will be stronger than that freakin' twisted ovary, or that diseased intenstine. Pancreastitis can kiss my ass.

June 15

June 15 is coming quickly.

5 years since Elvira was evicted.

The 5 year mark is apparently a magical mystical mark in the cancer world. If you can get to the 5 year mark without any re-occurrence then you get to ... graduate.

The 5 year mark is all about survival rates. When I was first diagnosed almost 5 years ago I was on auto pilot. 5 years seemed so far away. I remember hearing "Wow, Pam - you're so young to be diagnosed with kidney cancer.  This is not a young person's disease."  But it all seemed to be in that Charlie Brown teacher voice - so over my head. The average age of a person diagnosed with kidney cancer is 64, and is very uncommon in people under 45.  I was 36 at the time.

5 years is right around the corner - it's coming so quickly.

I graduate from my care with my urologist.  All that means is that we won't monitor me so closely. I have mixed feels about this. On the one hand - I'm pretty anxious about that.  Statistics say that for my stage of cancer that after 5 years the chances of it coming back are 20%. And the other thing to consider is that I have riddled my body with hella radiation at this point. And not just from monitoring the cancer. So at some point I need to dial that back a bit. But it makes me nervous to just stop monitoring.

Then I have to ask myself... well Elvira just showed up out of the blue when I was being diagnosed with pancreatitis. So what makes me think that if I have a re-occurrence I won't find it when some random nastiness pops up.

So ... Proverbs 31;25 ...

She is clothes in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future

I am seriously considering this as my next tattoo - maybe where Elvira was evicted from ... see picture above.

Just know that I'm struggling with finding peace with my 5 year anniversary.  I need to find a way to celebrate June 15.