Dents in my fender

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Garrison Keillor

You can be assured that this is not a shallow life I'm living over here!

You all know I have had a gagillion surgeries.  With that many surgeries come that many scars. I like to name the crap that they have to remove from me. Elvira was my kidney tumor, Rosita was my bleeding remnant stomach, Thomasine was my twisted ovary. At one point I think I had Hermine the hematoma - you get the picture. Naming them seems to give me some sense of control over the situation - especially when I know that they will be evacuating the premises. 

But that is where my sense of control has always stopped. I have been very uncomfortable in my own skin. I've spoken about how my brain refuses to catch up with what it sees in the mirror. I still see the size 26 and 28 Pam - not the size 6 or 4 Pam that I have worked so hard to become.  I believe that a major reason for that is because when it's just me and the mirror all I see are the scars that have been left behind no matter what size I am.

I have a very talented niece. She is a wonderful photographer. And when I recently went to visit my sister for her birthday she graciously agreed to do a little photo-shoot in the vein of helping me heal from some of my scars.

So ...

Ready or not ...

Here we go ...

Look out world - here we come - me and my scars.

 There is a song by Francesca Battistelli that I love called Free to Be Me that says....

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek

Scars are simply signs that you are stronger than whatever tried to harm you.  I will be stronger.  I will be stronger than cancer. I will be stronger than that freakin' twisted ovary, or that diseased intenstine. Pancreastitis can kiss my ass.