Unexpected - Again

When I originally posted my Unexpected post I had done a devotion for half time at Upward regarding how we all have the Unexpected in our life.  I was addressing all of the Unexpected that I had experienced in my life up to that point.  It was a lot to come out with and talk about.  I was trying to make sure that people understood that God is OK with how you handle the Unexpected in your life because He just wants to be there with you through it.

The Unexpected can take you to some dark places.  I have been to those dark places.  They aren't fun.  And for some of us they last longer than we would like them to. It's all OK.  God wants to be with you in the middle of it all. He knows, and it hurts Him too.

What I find so interesting is that it was literally almost 1 year to the day that I was there giving this same devotional about the Unexpected and then just a couple of weeks later I was in the ER because I found myself covered in these weird bruises.  That is when I was told I had leukemia, and then subsequently had my stroke.  Talk about the Unexpected.  It has just been the Unexpected from there.

This is what I talked about yesterday.  It can be hard to hear me at times because there was a lot going on, but I hope you can get what I was saying.

I still struggle with the Unexpected and handling those dark places. But God knows and He is there with me. I pray He is patient with me as I deal with them and figure them out.

November Gratefulness Post - November 19

Cousins. Some of us have great ones.  Some of us take them for granted.  I have to say ... I think I have always taken mine for granted. I can go for very long periods with very little contact with mine. And for some reason I don't know why that is.  But I love them dearly.  And if they ever need me I do what I can for them.

But you don't know what your connection is to them until that connection is tested. Ours was tested last year when my dear Aunt Maggie passed into the next world. I loved her very much, and I will miss her dearly. So when she passed it was natural to step up and do what I could. It didn't even feel like enough.

But I was blown away by what my cousin, Angie, did for me when I got sick. It wasn't enough for her to check on me. She had to drop what she was doing and come up to North Carolina for a long weekend to help take care of me after I left the hospital.  This was so helpful in so many ways. It helped my mom and my husband because they had spent so much of their time taking care of me at that point. They were able to take a bit of a break at that point. She was very skilled and attentive to me and my needs. And it was just plain fun to spend time with her in a way we had not been able to in so many ways.  I know it wasn't quite the same because I wasn't quite up to par, but it really did mean so much to me.

The whole family just had so much fun while she was here. It was so needed. And it's something we all look back on with such fondness. I can't thank her enough.

November Gratefulness Post - November 11

It is said that we have friends who come into our lives for a reason or a season. Some friends have been there for a really long time and some - not so long.  And then - hey! There goes a pumpkin!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's my Kris.  I had heard of her through my mom, and then met her one year during my trip to Cancun, Mexico. She came running up to my sister and I and announced that she was adopting the two of us as sisters. Life as I knew it would never be the same. I now had an adopted sister who lived in Connecticut. And wouldn't you know it ... she loved strawberries too!  :)

She sent me the most wonderful gift box when I was in the hospital to lift my spirits. I still walk around in my beautiful hat to lift my spirits because she knew it would do that for me.

I love that she knew just what would make me strong because she is my adopted sister.  Thank you so much my love.

November Gratefulness Post - November 10

You find out who your true friends are when they show up for you when you are in your darkest hour. When they know when your darkest hour is. But also when they know how to make you smile like no other.  When they know your ins and outs.  When they know your sarcasm needs.  They know that the weirdness you need makes you better - lifts you up. Krystal - I can't thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you.  For showing up at the hospital right away. For showing up at the hospital later.  For taking me to chemo. For being at the house and for joking with me when I needed it most. And mostly, for crying with me when you didn't want to.  I know you hate it as much as I do.  But you will never know how much it means to me.  You rock my sister from another mister.

November Gratefulness Post - November 9

I was in such a bad place for a while at the hospital. And people came out of the wood work to support me. Some of them I have actually been with for off and on for about 7+ years now. Hard to believe.  But Wake Chapel Church has become a part of me.

I have worked with them through Upward Basketball and Cheerleading for a while now. My son did basketball. My girls did cheerleading. I was a cheerleading coach and then the commissioner. Then I was just too sick to do either. My one daughter decided she was more cut out to basketball instead of cheerleading.

But all along the way, Seth Carter made sure we could get in even when we missed deadlines due to my surgeries and sicknesses. Jenny McCreary pulled me in as a coach and commissioner - seeing in me what needed to be seen as a leader I didn't know I was. I will be forever grateful to them.

But to have Jenny show up at the hospital when I was pretty much at my worst, and show me love as though I was one of them will forever be emblazoned on my heart. It meant so much to me.  I hope that somehow, someway I will be able to repay you for your gift to me.  Even though my children have outgrown the Upward program I hope that I will be able to "pay it forward" and show the children in that program the love the I feel in my heart, not only towards Upward, but towards your church.

Thank you so much.

November Gratefulness Post - November 8

I have a group of ladies that I knew I could depend on before I got sick. I had no idea to what extent I would have to depend on them until the rubber met the road.  And to be honest - I had never met a one of them. I felt I knew them deeply.  We had been through a deeply intense experience together. But now I know.  I don't even have the words to describe how good they were to me. Not even when I was sick, but afterwards, too. They know my heart. Some of the first cards I got in the hospital were from them as a group, and it meant so much.  I got presents from some of them individually that were simply beautiful and had a lot of thought put into them. I treasure them. And I treasure the words and prayers they sent to me.  Reclaimers. I love you all. You know who you are.

November Gratefulness Post - November 6

My family took my phone and my computer away from me after I had my stroke in the hospital. Having them just made things very frustrating for me because I had forgotten some very basic things.  Things such as passwords, and even to some extent how to do some basic typing because I had lost some a lot of functionality on the right side of my body.

So when a friend I had not seen in years walked into my ICU room to take care of me, I cried for the first time in a long time. Becky, the fact that we can go years not saying a word to each other, but that you would know exactly what I would need as soon as I would need it - that you would drop everything you have going on to give me what I need when I need it ... you just don't know how that made me feel.  That you know me so well... That you know my needs... physical, emotional, spiritual ... even from so far away ... so much so that you can just drop what you are doing and come be with me like that when I need you most.  Seeing you and spending time with you was such a treat - one I will never forget.  I am forever grateful to you for the time we spent together.  I sure hope the next time we spend time together it's not because one of us is really sick.

November Gratefulness Posts - November 2

Another day of gratefulness... where shall I begin? My husband, lover, best friend, Daren DeVries. The first guy I saw when I moved to Massachusetts, it's not a mistake we fell in love and married. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for making important decisions with me and for me. Thank you for understanding me when I don't understand me. You mean more to me than you will ever know.

Unexpected - mixed feelings

I have been having a sense of mixed feelings lately.

On the one hand - I feel like this cancer has left me with almost a sense of a long term conviction. I may be in remission - I may have beaten this cancer - I may be alive - but life as I know it - will never ever be the same. This is not like anything else I have ever dealt with before.  All of the other problems, diseases, issues if you will - I could get over them. They may take a while - some longer than others. But they were all do-able. I joked about being that rare-find that got every statistical anomaly there was, every problem that came up.  But it wasn't a joke - it was real. I put on a good face.

And so when we "jokingly" started saying "Hey! It's been a year since I was last in the hospital." I was actually starting to freak out on in the inside.  That's not something you say to someone like me.  I inwardly actually had anxiety or panic attacks because I just knew it was coming.  But nowhere ever did I imagine something like this.  This was just cruel.

But I have been surrounded in a way I never knew possible since this whole thing began. I have been loved in so many ways and by so many people. I have been reached out to by people I didn't even know knew me.  In many times and in many ways I didn't even know they were reaching out to me.  But their blanket surrounded me at a time I needed it so badly that I believe that it saved me.

People came to me in the hospital. They stayed with me night and day - even when I didn't know they were there and couldn't acknowledge their presence or carry on a meaningful conversation with them. They stayed with me even when I argued with them. When they couldn't be there, they sent who they could. They made sure I wanted for nothing. They made sure I was never alone. I was visited by total strangers, but with ties to people I had not seen in 30 years. My church never left my side. My family would ensure I was never alone and had every answer to every question.

I didn't even know to be upset.  All I knew was to fight.  And fight I did. I fought may way back from the lowest point I had ever known. And almost 7 months later I am different person. Different from the days of my diagnosis in so many ways.  I can't possibly go into them here. I will never be the same. Part of that is just because of all I have been through.  But much of it is because of all of you. All that you have done for me.  I am a different person. And it is so unexpected. I don't even know where to begin. And I don't know how to thank you. I don't know what to say.

I have been reached out to by people who have expressed their own unexpected journey - either their journey through cancer - or a loved ones - and how it effected them. And not all of you are as blessed as I am.  Not all of your loved ones made it to the other side as I have.  I feel guilty - I feel ... wrong somehow for even being here at times.  Why me?  I don't know.  By all accounts and purposes I was not in a good place. I was high risk. I had one of the rarest types of acute leukemia you can get.  And yet - here I am.  In the triangle of North Carolina - near one of the best oncologists for this type of cancer you can ever find as he has studied it for years.  That can't be an accident I suppose.

I seem to have been wallowing in my own pity for a bit here ... in my own conviction.  I have had a lot to think about. It has occurred to me just how much I have to deal with moving forward in life. Just because I am in remission doesn't mean that life is hunky dory to be sure. But more and more I look around and can't deny that I am being shown that I need to accept he signs of life around me. I am alive! I have made it! I can turn this around! I have stared death in the face again! Again! I can't keep asking myself how many times I am going to do this.  I just have to realize that once again - I did it. It's me - I did it. Again. Throw me some more. I got this.

Acute Promyolytic Leukemia. Molecular and Hemotologic Remission.  BAM!
Ischemic Stroke. Walking and Talking and Reasoning.  BAM!

October 28, 2015.  Back to work.

After everything I've been through - maybe it's about time I found my Hallelujah?

Unexpected - Update

On Monday I had my normal Monday activities. I always have an EKG, and then chemo immediately following. I took one of my daughters with me because she had yet to go to chemo and wanted to go. So Daren took us, and we went to lunch, grabbed some groceries, and got home. We weren't home very long and I got a call that the oncologist wanted me admitted to the hospital as soon as possible over some potassium issues. Very confusing on my part. A little while later my nurse, Diane, called and explained that they were actually pretty concerned about my EKG from earlier in the day and wanted me to be monitored regarding that overnight. What she was saying made much more sense.

After a lot of talking to doctors etc... it seems that the issue at hand is the chemo medicine I am taking (trisenox) is causing something called Prolonged QT heart rhythm. They are trying to fix it through my meds and hopefully we will.be able to do it that way. But if we cant I may have to be fitted with something with a pace maker temporarily.

That land of denial is looking so purty over yonder.