Unexpected - where I am

So here I am.  What's up with me lately?

I did the talk on the Unexpected and how we should not ignore the times in our lives that are dark as long as do not ignore them - as long as we go through them with God.

So here I am.  I am going through a dark time.

I don't say this for a pat on the back.  I don't say this for an "Aw, Pam - it's OK." I say this because I just gave a talk on it and really it would be rather hypocritical of me if I didn't admit that I, myself, am going through a bit of a dark time, too.

Yeah, the cancer has been hard.  I have been classified as a high risk patient, which ensured that I have had to have maintenance therapy for 2 years.  Not a huge ordeal, but it's a lot to keep up with.  Pills to take that you can't miss, and schedules that you have to stay on top of.  It has taxed me because I have never really been very good at it.  So I have gotten much better at it because I have had to.

I think even harder has been my recovery from the stroke.  I hadn't considered it very much, but it has really been a lot.  According to doctors the stroke has had considerable detriment to my vestibular system - meaning the whole sensosymatic system of my body that handles the balance, focus, and concentration.  So I have gone through Vestibular Therapy 3 times a week where they "stir up" my symptoms in an effort to exercise my muscles. I have also been doing a specific kind of therapy on my feet in an effort to try to bring back some feeling in them (because I suffer from Raynaud's Syndrome as a result of peripheral neuropathy from the chemo). After doing these since the beginning of January it has been found that they really have not made that much of a difference. 3 times a week since the beginning of January.  I JUST CAN'T.  And I am not done seeing doctors.

So, yeah,  I am in a dark place right now.

A lot of you know me. You know I have been through a lot. 22 surgeries so far.  Countless visits to the hospital and doctors. And time after time after time after countless time I get back up again. It seems as though I get hit and I just get back up. I take a lick and keep on ticking so to speak. I may go to my land of denial for a while for some self preservation, but I seem to find a way to not allow these "issues" to keep me down. My faith keeps me steadfast.

And it is not that I do not have faith.  I do. But I am in a dark place.  And in keeping with practicing what I preach - I am just admitting - that is where I am. I am having a hard time.  I don't necessarily feel like I am at a place where I can take a lick and keep on ticking. I don't feel like I can practice my faith, or I can exercise my faith right now.  I don't feel like I am a good example to my children right now at what they should see when they look towards their mother for a Faith-ful woman - or a Proverbs 31 woman who can lead her children through the life they are experiencing right now.

Again - I didn't say this for a pat on the back. I didn't say this so you would have pity on me.  I just need to be honest and up front.  It's dark in here.

Unexpected - Again

When I originally posted my Unexpected post I had done a devotion for half time at Upward regarding how we all have the Unexpected in our life.  I was addressing all of the Unexpected that I had experienced in my life up to that point.  It was a lot to come out with and talk about.  I was trying to make sure that people understood that God is OK with how you handle the Unexpected in your life because He just wants to be there with you through it.

The Unexpected can take you to some dark places.  I have been to those dark places.  They aren't fun.  And for some of us they last longer than we would like them to. It's all OK.  God wants to be with you in the middle of it all. He knows, and it hurts Him too.

What I find so interesting is that it was literally almost 1 year to the day that I was there giving this same devotional about the Unexpected and then just a couple of weeks later I was in the ER because I found myself covered in these weird bruises.  That is when I was told I had leukemia, and then subsequently had my stroke.  Talk about the Unexpected.  It has just been the Unexpected from there.

This is what I talked about yesterday.  It can be hard to hear me at times because there was a lot going on, but I hope you can get what I was saying.

I still struggle with the Unexpected and handling those dark places. But God knows and He is there with me. I pray He is patient with me as I deal with them and figure them out.

I Wonder

I have been thinking about the dichotomy in my body between the left side and the right side. On the left side is my one working kidney and the one working ovary.  So when I have pain on the left side of my body in that particular abdominal area - I can blame it on Liza (my good kidney), or Ophelia (my good ovary).

It has also been noticed that my left eye is a bit higher than my right eye. And, and I don't think it's a mistake that my stroke affected the right side of my body - making it ineffective since that side is basically ineffective anyway.

We're going to have to find a name for this.  It's just too good to let it go.

Unexpected - trying to find my sense of "normal"

I know I have not been keeping up with my blog.  To be honest - it's not because I don't want to - it has just been very hard for me to find the focus within myself after working, etc... to then spend time working on my blog as well.

Most of you know I went back to work full time back at the end of October.  I craved going back to work in order to find a real sense of normalcy. I have really loved going back to work. Being back in that building, and being back with the people I work with has filled that hole in my heart that was starting to widen and fill with anxiety the more I stayed home.  There were people who were not sure I was ready to return to work - for sure not ready to return to work full time.

Since returning back to work full time I will again be honest, and tell you that I have been struggling to find that sense of normal that I wanted so desperately to find by going back to begin with.  I have been considered a high risk cancer patient so I have to take oral chemo for the next 2 years in 3 month rotations. I have to be very mindful of what time of day it is so that I am sure that I am taking my meds at the right time.

I am still struggling with the after effects of the stroke that I had as a result of my cancer.  That is just as much a problem as the cancer that I am fighting - even though I am in remission from that. I have even fallen several times in the past few months.

And I struggle with longing for that sense of normal - it eludes me. I am so used to coming home from work - taking care of what I need to for home, kids, etc... and then getting back on the computer and doing what I need to do. Now I find it hard many days to even look at my phone because by the time I have driven home I have trouble mustering up that much effort to focus and concentrate. I desperately need to zone out. I am attending my General Physcian's Concussion Clinic, being seen at Vestibular Therapy, seeing a Neurologist Opthamologist for my eyes, and a Neurologist.

But I am driven to find that sense of normal.  I long for it. I need it. That is where I have been - hunting for my normal.

November Gratefulness Post - November 20

Friends who would not give up.  That is who Cheryl was to me. She would not give up on me ... period. She was in Chapel Hill and was trying to visit me at the hospital several times only to find that I was not really in a position to be visited.  Either I was asleep - which at that point was not something I could easily be woken up from - or I was out at a different test like an MRI.  I will give this to her.  She was beyond "Hey Pam ... What's good?" She was determined to make sure that I was recovering from this awfulness.  That my family was remaining in tact. That I was not being swallowed up whole from what had happened to me.  And I appreciate what she was trying to do - every bit of it.  I am so thankful.  For her friendship, and for her effort.  I won't forget it.

November Gratefulness Post - November 19

Cousins. Some of us have great ones.  Some of us take them for granted.  I have to say ... I think I have always taken mine for granted. I can go for very long periods with very little contact with mine. And for some reason I don't know why that is.  But I love them dearly.  And if they ever need me I do what I can for them.

But you don't know what your connection is to them until that connection is tested. Ours was tested last year when my dear Aunt Maggie passed into the next world. I loved her very much, and I will miss her dearly. So when she passed it was natural to step up and do what I could. It didn't even feel like enough.

But I was blown away by what my cousin, Angie, did for me when I got sick. It wasn't enough for her to check on me. She had to drop what she was doing and come up to North Carolina for a long weekend to help take care of me after I left the hospital.  This was so helpful in so many ways. It helped my mom and my husband because they had spent so much of their time taking care of me at that point. They were able to take a bit of a break at that point. She was very skilled and attentive to me and my needs. And it was just plain fun to spend time with her in a way we had not been able to in so many ways.  I know it wasn't quite the same because I wasn't quite up to par, but it really did mean so much to me.

The whole family just had so much fun while she was here. It was so needed. And it's something we all look back on with such fondness. I can't thank her enough.

November Gratefulness Post - November 18

I think that you can tell from my posts that I have had friends coming out of the woodwork   And yet, I have other friends that have been with me for forever just pick up the pace, and do what needed to be done. I was amazed at what my friends from high school did for me while I was sick. When they found out that one of their own was in need they just did what needed to be done.  Especially my fellow cheerleaders from high school.  We formed a bond that can never be broken and it has followed us for going on almost 25 years.  We live all over the country now and it doesn't seem to matter. They have been the hands and feet of Christ for me in a time when I needed Christ to carry me through because I could not carry myself. I felt their presence and their deeds in more ways than one. I want them all to know how thankful I am for everything they did for me.

November Gratefulness Post - November 17

I don't know if this person will even see this post.  His name is Ian. He was my first nurse when I was at UNC Chapel Hill.  Actually, he may not have been my first.  He could have been my second. But my memory of that time is not all that great.  But as far as I'm concerned he was my first. And I did not call him Ian. I called him Starlord. Why? Because he reminded me of Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy (one of my favorite movies of all time).

He got me through some very harrowing times during those initial days. And with grace. He was incredible. We had a lot in common as far as interests. I had just come back from taking the girls to Winter Jam and I had a bunch of videos to share because it was so fun. He loved all of the bands. He was thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. We shared lots of stories.

He helped me get through to not so fun procedure of getting my PICC line installed. He helped me focus and talked me through it as the radiologists did what they needed to me as I laid in my bed.

He encouraged me through various test results that I received in my room. He was also from New England and we shared a love for Tom Brady and the New England PEvenatriots.  That right there told me he was a good egg.  :)  He brought a fantastic poster of Tom Brady to encourage me. He said it brought him good luck, so it would bring me good luck as well.  Looking back, I could use all the good luck I could get!

And on that horrible day that I had my stroke - I was talking to him when it happened. I couldn't have been in a better place or talking to a better person. He knew exactly what was happening and what to do.  No one else did.  I was looking at Daren and asking him questions and apologizing for what was happening because I didn't understand.  But Starlord, he just snapped into action. He knew. He did what needed to be done. And I will be forever grateful to him. Without him I don't know where I would be today.

He only worked in the stepdown unit that I was in when I came into the hospital. But I managed to find him before I left the hospital and he came to see me in my cancer ward. I was able to see him after he got engaged and talk to him about it. He was able to see that I recovered from my stroke and that I was responding to my chemotherapy. I am so thankful for that. I hope to go back there some day and make sure that he knows that I am in remission from this dreadful disease, and that I am so thankful for all that he did for me.

November Gratefulness Post - November 15

I met Kelli Ditmar at one of the first jobs I had when I lived in Michigan. We knew right away that we would be great friends. I can't believe we have stayed in touch this long!  It's been 20 years!

She has been sending me wonderful and encouraging messages, as well as beautiful blankets to keep[ me warm and inspired when I was in the hospital.  Since I have left the hospital I ave looked forward to the notes she has sent me on a regular basis that have encouraged me and often made me laugh. They have brought me back to the days that we worked together and I love that.

And not to mention - she looks FABULOUS!  I love you Kelli.  I can't thank you enough for all you have done.

November Gratefulness Post - November 14

I met Leah what seems like forever ago, through our husbands. They were what seems like "forever friends". They are guys. They are the kinds of friends who can not talk to each other for years and it doesn't matter cause ... well ... they are guys. They will not talk to each other, then see each other, get together and BAM! It's like they were never apart. 

So when Leah and I met there was some expectation that we would be best friends as well.  And I am here to say - we clicked.  :)  I'm not sure how - we just did.  And I'm so glad.  Even though we have lived anywhere from  thousands of miles apart to just down the road from each other ... we have made it work.  Admittedly - it works better just down the road from each other. :)

And she just knows my heart.  I wish she didn't have to know when it hurt so bad. But I am forever grateful for when she does. For she is one of my lifelines.

Thank you Leah.  I don't need to say much more.

November Gratefulness Post - November 13

I work full time at a great company. From the time I was diagnosed with this awful disease they have been incredibly supportive. But specifically the group of people that I worked with have been incredibly generous to me through this whole ordeal. They have been not only concerned for me, but have been there for me in a myriad of ways. They even came and visited me in the hospital. They made it possible for me to come and visit them at work once I could after I was out of the hospital, and made sure that my visits lifted my spirits. They sent me cards, gifts, baskets, etc... and they all came at just the right time, and had just the right words of encouragement. Many of them will never know just how much I appreciated what they did for me, and what they continue to do for me now that I have returned to work. Just because I have returned does not mean that the battle has been won. I continue to fight on a daily basis. I appreciate what all of them do for me every day.

November Gratefulness Posts - November 12

I know that I am very very behind. I have a very good reason. I came back to work full force - which is my M.O. I don't do anything half way. I go in all the way or I don't go in at all. Well, my brain that has suffered a stroke - and a pretty serious one at that - didn't react all that well to it.  I thought I was doing fairly well at it because I had remembered everything that I needed to and that was the measurement I was using. But in actuality my brain was giving me pretty good signs that it had enough and that it needed a break. I was getting headaches that  wouldn't stop and they weren't like the migraines I am used to. I was also experiencing vertigo and dizziness pretty badly. I could not remember what had happened  during my stroke and right afterwards. So my husband and sister helped me remember. It was not very pretty.

I had always wondered how my family had gotten through that time. It was really rather harrowing. How did my husband and sister know to do what they did? How did they know to listen to one doctor over another? How were they so sure they had made the right decision? I was so sick. I was in such unknown territory to not only them, but also the doctors. This was all so scary.  This was truly my land of denial. And they literally chose to keep me there. I am just making my way out of it, and it scares me. I will take a step out and look around and look at what I see, then bolt back at denial because I just plain don't like it. How did they live there without me?

And now I know.  There were friends - good - dear friends - praying me through it.  I cry as I write it. How could I doubt it?  RAMP. You were there. You stood in the gap. You knew. You prayed. You prayed for just the right thing.  I had no idea. I was in never never land. But when I talk to Daren about it now - he knows that it's the only way we made it through. It's the only way he made the right decision for me when he had no idea what it should be.  RAMP was praying for me, praying for the doctors to have unity, praying for Daren to make the right decision. He knows that without that, that without my sister beside him to help him have clarity of mind ... he may not have made the right decision to have me here beside him today.

I shake. I cry. I toss. I turn. Where would I be without my RAMP girls to hold me up before the thron of our almighty father?  As one of them most recently said to me ... to help me back from the "brink"?  

So you want to know why I have been behind?  I have been so tired from work.  My brain has been overworked.  I used to be on my computer 24/7. Even when I was done with work I would be on it - either working more or on facebook, or doing more research.  Now I am done with work and I am done with the computer. So I have had some trouble getting my posts done, and I apologize because it makes me fall behind on so many things that I am doing on my computer.  I'm sorry.

November Gratefulness Post - November 11

It is said that we have friends who come into our lives for a reason or a season. Some friends have been there for a really long time and some - not so long.  And then - hey! There goes a pumpkin!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's my Kris.  I had heard of her through my mom, and then met her one year during my trip to Cancun, Mexico. She came running up to my sister and I and announced that she was adopting the two of us as sisters. Life as I knew it would never be the same. I now had an adopted sister who lived in Connecticut. And wouldn't you know it ... she loved strawberries too!  :)

She sent me the most wonderful gift box when I was in the hospital to lift my spirits. I still walk around in my beautiful hat to lift my spirits because she knew it would do that for me.

I love that she knew just what would make me strong because she is my adopted sister.  Thank you so much my love.

November Gratefulness Post - November 10

You find out who your true friends are when they show up for you when you are in your darkest hour. When they know when your darkest hour is. But also when they know how to make you smile like no other.  When they know your ins and outs.  When they know your sarcasm needs.  They know that the weirdness you need makes you better - lifts you up. Krystal - I can't thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you.  For showing up at the hospital right away. For showing up at the hospital later.  For taking me to chemo. For being at the house and for joking with me when I needed it most. And mostly, for crying with me when you didn't want to.  I know you hate it as much as I do.  But you will never know how much it means to me.  You rock my sister from another mister.

November Gratefulness Post - November 9

I was in such a bad place for a while at the hospital. And people came out of the wood work to support me. Some of them I have actually been with for off and on for about 7+ years now. Hard to believe.  But Wake Chapel Church has become a part of me.

I have worked with them through Upward Basketball and Cheerleading for a while now. My son did basketball. My girls did cheerleading. I was a cheerleading coach and then the commissioner. Then I was just too sick to do either. My one daughter decided she was more cut out to basketball instead of cheerleading.

But all along the way, Seth Carter made sure we could get in even when we missed deadlines due to my surgeries and sicknesses. Jenny McCreary pulled me in as a coach and commissioner - seeing in me what needed to be seen as a leader I didn't know I was. I will be forever grateful to them.

But to have Jenny show up at the hospital when I was pretty much at my worst, and show me love as though I was one of them will forever be emblazoned on my heart. It meant so much to me.  I hope that somehow, someway I will be able to repay you for your gift to me.  Even though my children have outgrown the Upward program I hope that I will be able to "pay it forward" and show the children in that program the love the I feel in my heart, not only towards Upward, but towards your church.

Thank you so much.

November Gratefulness Post - November 8

I have a group of ladies that I knew I could depend on before I got sick. I had no idea to what extent I would have to depend on them until the rubber met the road.  And to be honest - I had never met a one of them. I felt I knew them deeply.  We had been through a deeply intense experience together. But now I know.  I don't even have the words to describe how good they were to me. Not even when I was sick, but afterwards, too. They know my heart. Some of the first cards I got in the hospital were from them as a group, and it meant so much.  I got presents from some of them individually that were simply beautiful and had a lot of thought put into them. I treasure them. And I treasure the words and prayers they sent to me.  Reclaimers. I love you all. You know who you are.

November Gratefulness Post - November 6

My family took my phone and my computer away from me after I had my stroke in the hospital. Having them just made things very frustrating for me because I had forgotten some very basic things.  Things such as passwords, and even to some extent how to do some basic typing because I had lost some a lot of functionality on the right side of my body.

So when a friend I had not seen in years walked into my ICU room to take care of me, I cried for the first time in a long time. Becky, the fact that we can go years not saying a word to each other, but that you would know exactly what I would need as soon as I would need it - that you would drop everything you have going on to give me what I need when I need it ... you just don't know how that made me feel.  That you know me so well... That you know my needs... physical, emotional, spiritual ... even from so far away ... so much so that you can just drop what you are doing and come be with me like that when I need you most.  Seeing you and spending time with you was such a treat - one I will never forget.  I am forever grateful to you for the time we spent together.  I sure hope the next time we spend time together it's not because one of us is really sick.

November Gratefulness Post - November 5

I am grateful to many people for helping me out.  But I am grateful to these people for jumping up and being there immediately - for coming all the way to Chapel Hill IMMEDIATELY.  Not knowing what was going on, but know that a member of the body needed help and needed it immediately.

Shannon and Jason - you will never know what it meant to me having you there for my first chemo party! Having you there to pray for me in the unknown.  Having you show up in the ICU when even I didn't know what was going on.  Having you anoint me with oil.  You just don't even know. It means so much and I still sit and cry over it today because that moment was so pivitol for me.   The cards you delivered for me from the youth group stayed up in my room the whole time.  They were not just a joy to me, but also to the whole nursing staff.  We all loved to look at them and read them. I love to do it to this day.

AND!  I can't thank you enough for how you care for my children. I know... I know... I know.  You have been so good to them. You have intervened for them in a way no others have.  You understand them.  You know what they love.  You know what they need.  And you take it more seriously than any other.  I can't thank you enough.  I can't thank you enough. I can't thank you enough.

And you are so fun.  How much do I love that?

What more could I ask for in the youth group leaders for my children?  I need you to know how much it means to me.  I hope that this gratefulness post gives you some idea just how much I appreciate you.

November Gratefulness Post - November 4

This post is going to be about my sister, Shannon Dempsey.

I know I say this about so many people right now.  But I mean this from the bottom of my heart.  I don't know where I would be right now without her. The bond between us has never been stronger and I hate that it took something like this to make it this way. The fact that when she heard what was going on and dropped everything to be with me .... I will just never be able to repay her.

She stayed beside my bedside during the most harrowing hours.  She saw me at my worst.  She did not bat an eye when my worst got even worse than I ever imagined it could be.  When not only my questions got harrowing, but so did the doctors.  She laughed with me when the only other option was to cry.  She helped my family get through their own issues by pushing through her own.

I know that 2015 has been a horrible year for her, too.  Here is hoping and praying that we both start to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

Awesome Article

I found this great article on some things I wish I had known about cancer before I had gotten it.  So many things rang true for me.  For instance - not always having to be positive.  I seem to always have to be positive - always have to put a positive spin on things.  To be honest - sometimes there just isn't a positive spin to be put on things - end of story.

It's a process without a timetable.  Yeah - I don't deal well with that.  I want answers and I want them now. Being told I need to wait and for no apparent reason ...  no bueno.

Take time to remember who you are outside of cancer.  Huh.  There's a concept.

Embrace your impermanence. Moving with it allows you to have peace in a world where just existing can be stressful.  Whoa.

Be gentle with yourself.  You can't rush healing.

Grieving allows you to heal.

This is just a little bit.  Read the rest for yourself.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kimberly-fink/10-things-i-wish-i-would-have-known-about-life-after-cancer_b_8433304.html