Unexpected - where I am

So here I am.  What's up with me lately?

I did the talk on the Unexpected and how we should not ignore the times in our lives that are dark as long as do not ignore them - as long as we go through them with God.

So here I am.  I am going through a dark time.

I don't say this for a pat on the back.  I don't say this for an "Aw, Pam - it's OK." I say this because I just gave a talk on it and really it would be rather hypocritical of me if I didn't admit that I, myself, am going through a bit of a dark time, too.

Yeah, the cancer has been hard.  I have been classified as a high risk patient, which ensured that I have had to have maintenance therapy for 2 years.  Not a huge ordeal, but it's a lot to keep up with.  Pills to take that you can't miss, and schedules that you have to stay on top of.  It has taxed me because I have never really been very good at it.  So I have gotten much better at it because I have had to.

I think even harder has been my recovery from the stroke.  I hadn't considered it very much, but it has really been a lot.  According to doctors the stroke has had considerable detriment to my vestibular system - meaning the whole sensosymatic system of my body that handles the balance, focus, and concentration.  So I have gone through Vestibular Therapy 3 times a week where they "stir up" my symptoms in an effort to exercise my muscles. I have also been doing a specific kind of therapy on my feet in an effort to try to bring back some feeling in them (because I suffer from Raynaud's Syndrome as a result of peripheral neuropathy from the chemo). After doing these since the beginning of January it has been found that they really have not made that much of a difference. 3 times a week since the beginning of January.  I JUST CAN'T.  And I am not done seeing doctors.

So, yeah,  I am in a dark place right now.

A lot of you know me. You know I have been through a lot. 22 surgeries so far.  Countless visits to the hospital and doctors. And time after time after time after countless time I get back up again. It seems as though I get hit and I just get back up. I take a lick and keep on ticking so to speak. I may go to my land of denial for a while for some self preservation, but I seem to find a way to not allow these "issues" to keep me down. My faith keeps me steadfast.

And it is not that I do not have faith.  I do. But I am in a dark place.  And in keeping with practicing what I preach - I am just admitting - that is where I am. I am having a hard time.  I don't necessarily feel like I am at a place where I can take a lick and keep on ticking. I don't feel like I can practice my faith, or I can exercise my faith right now.  I don't feel like I am a good example to my children right now at what they should see when they look towards their mother for a Faith-ful woman - or a Proverbs 31 woman who can lead her children through the life they are experiencing right now.

Again - I didn't say this for a pat on the back. I didn't say this so you would have pity on me.  I just need to be honest and up front.  It's dark in here.