Unexpected

I have been involved with Upward  Cheerleading for several years. I had signed my girls up to participate when they were in kindergarten and immediately volunteered to help as a coach.  I was quickly tapped to help out further as the Commissioner of the League and served in that capacity for several years before having to step down because life was getting so crazy hectic.

But I have always loved Upward - what it was accomplishing - the people that I worked with, etc...

My daughters are about to age out and I had let Seth - the Director of the league know that he better take advantage of me this year while he could!  :)  So he asked me if I would be willing to do the devotions during halftime at one of the games.  That is probably the one thing I haven't done in all the years I have worked with Upward. I have led practices, kept the scoreboards, helped with snacks, you name it, but I have not led devotions at halftime in front of everyone attending a game.

So I, of course, said yes.  And then I struggled with what on earth I would say - and of course, that I had to say it in front of all those people.

Here is what I said.  Sorry for all of the background noise. My lovely husband did the best he could recording it.

Glimmer

So this is just a random post about an app I got that I am kinda digging.

I got it for my phone off of Google Play. It's an alarm app called Glimmer.

Yes, I'm well aware that my phone already comes with an alarm. Got that. Why is this one so special? Because I love the way it wakes me up. It softly wakes me up.

It turns on the screen 30 minutes before the alarm goes off with the darkest screen and slowly increases the brightness. It starts to wake you up 30 minutes before the alarm goes off, first by gradually brightening the screen, and then also by increasing the soft sounds of birds singing. If none of this works for you and you haven't woken up by 1 minute after alarm time, it plays a strong sound to be sure you don’t miss it. At this time it also goes from "night" mode (not allowing the notifications for emails, texts, etc...) to "day" mode.

The app is free in Google Play - and I loved having the free version. If you choose to upgrade to the paid version (for like a couple of bucks - literally helping the developer by some coffee) you are able to customize all the settings - like how long it takes to wake you up in the morning - which sounds it uses to wake you vs. alarm you. There are a few more background options for the picture that comes alive as your wake up time approaches. All of them are so great and fun. Some are techie, some are nature. When I was able to customize it I went from the 30 minute wake up time to 15 minute - that worked just fine for me.

I find that I am without fail up before my alarm goes off now. At least 5 minutes. I wake up much more gradually - like more gracefully and naturally instead of pissed off at my alarm clock.

So get you some and wake up a little more gracefully.

Sissypoo

Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five. ~Pam Brown

My sister has the best sister ever.  That's not a quote - that's just me.  ;)

So this past weekend I went and surprised my sister for her 39th birthday.  Just wanted to kiss the dirty 30's goodbye with my favorite person in the world. I don't think I have ever surprised her. It's hard for me to do because we talk every day and I can't not tell her that I'm coming to see her.  Mostly because she and I together is trouble with a Capital T.

Now keep in mind - we are completely opposite.  We could not be more opposite.  We look at everything through different lenses. Fashion, parenting, entertainment, religion, you name it - she says black and I will most likely YELL WHITE while she is shaking her head in the corner going "Why are you so loud?"  

I will forever be her big sister. Do not even think about messing with her. I will be on you like white on rice. It is not known as the Wrath of Pam for no reason. You hurt her - I hurt you. Seriously.  I have done it before - I'm not afraid to do it again.

She is the ying to my yang.  The frosting to my cupcake. The pop to my tart. The mac to my cheese. The froot to my loop. The fuel to my fire! And she knows what is supposed to happen if I end up in a coma - you know exactly what I'm talking about - that one person who has your best interests at heart.  ;)

One of the best things she has ever done is her daughter, Shelby. Shelby has a fantastic raw talent for photography as you can see from these wonderful pictures and from the pictures in my previous post regarding my scars. Her day job is working as a photographer at the Clearwater Aquarium. She gets to take pictures of the dolphins Hope and Winter most days of the week.

She has grown up to be such a lovely woman. I can't wait to see where this goes for here.  The first place it needs to go is  name for her own photography business!! But she has done a few events like a wedding and a first birthday. Everything she touches is beautiful - just like her.  Thanks for the great pics!

Dents in my fender

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Garrison Keillor

You can be assured that this is not a shallow life I'm living over here!

You all know I have had a gagillion surgeries.  With that many surgeries come that many scars. I like to name the crap that they have to remove from me. Elvira was my kidney tumor, Rosita was my bleeding remnant stomach, Thomasine was my twisted ovary. At one point I think I had Hermine the hematoma - you get the picture. Naming them seems to give me some sense of control over the situation - especially when I know that they will be evacuating the premises. 

But that is where my sense of control has always stopped. I have been very uncomfortable in my own skin. I've spoken about how my brain refuses to catch up with what it sees in the mirror. I still see the size 26 and 28 Pam - not the size 6 or 4 Pam that I have worked so hard to become.  I believe that a major reason for that is because when it's just me and the mirror all I see are the scars that have been left behind no matter what size I am.

I have a very talented niece. She is a wonderful photographer. And when I recently went to visit my sister for her birthday she graciously agreed to do a little photo-shoot in the vein of helping me heal from some of my scars.

So ...

Ready or not ...

Here we go ...

Look out world - here we come - me and my scars.

 There is a song by Francesca Battistelli that I love called Free to Be Me that says....

When I was just a girl
I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right
And I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
'Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But you look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all you seek

Scars are simply signs that you are stronger than whatever tried to harm you.  I will be stronger.  I will be stronger than cancer. I will be stronger than that freakin' twisted ovary, or that diseased intenstine. Pancreastitis can kiss my ass.

June 15

June 15 is coming quickly.

5 years since Elvira was evicted.

The 5 year mark is apparently a magical mystical mark in the cancer world. If you can get to the 5 year mark without any re-occurrence then you get to ... graduate.

The 5 year mark is all about survival rates. When I was first diagnosed almost 5 years ago I was on auto pilot. 5 years seemed so far away. I remember hearing "Wow, Pam - you're so young to be diagnosed with kidney cancer.  This is not a young person's disease."  But it all seemed to be in that Charlie Brown teacher voice - so over my head. The average age of a person diagnosed with kidney cancer is 64, and is very uncommon in people under 45.  I was 36 at the time.

5 years is right around the corner - it's coming so quickly.

I graduate from my care with my urologist.  All that means is that we won't monitor me so closely. I have mixed feels about this. On the one hand - I'm pretty anxious about that.  Statistics say that for my stage of cancer that after 5 years the chances of it coming back are 20%. And the other thing to consider is that I have riddled my body with hella radiation at this point. And not just from monitoring the cancer. So at some point I need to dial that back a bit. But it makes me nervous to just stop monitoring.

Then I have to ask myself... well Elvira just showed up out of the blue when I was being diagnosed with pancreatitis. So what makes me think that if I have a re-occurrence I won't find it when some random nastiness pops up.

So ... Proverbs 31;25 ...

She is clothes in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future

I am seriously considering this as my next tattoo - maybe where Elvira was evicted from ... see picture above.

Just know that I'm struggling with finding peace with my 5 year anniversary.  I need to find a way to celebrate June 15.