Unexpected - looking for the light at the end of the tunnel

Many of you know that I have really struggled lately with being stuck in this deep dark hole of depression.  It has been getting better.  I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not that I am not grateful. It's not that I don't see what the Lord has done for me in my life. I do. Trust me I do. Let's recount it - shall we?

Fertility.  I went through it.  Not like many others I know - but I went through a lot.  I never thought I would have any children.  And here I am - 3 children.  Healthy children.  And even their births ... I am so fortunate.  I went into premature labor with Caleb as well as having gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. I had to be on bed rest starting at 27 weeks. With Megan and Marissa I was already high risk and I went on bed rest at about 20 weeks.  It was discovered that I was suffering from twin-to-twin transfusion and they were watching them both very closely. I had them 2 months early and they spent 4 weeks in the NICU.  I had trouble with all 3 children, but we got through the very hard early days.  Now we are just getting through the hard teenage years together.

We wanted more children, but we are so fortunate to have the ones that we have.  And lets face it.  I suck at all of that.  Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, giving birth ... not my gift.  So not to go into all of the details here, but after having used up all of my girly parts to their fullest ability it was determined that I would have mine yanked out.  Whew!  I even threw them a bon voyage party.  If you were there you knew that was fun.  :)  But even since then I have had some problems because they left my ovaries so I wouldn't go into premature menopause, and since I have PCOS the cystic ovaries have cause problems which have caused emergency surgeries, etc...

I have had a ton of trouble with my left ear.  I have had all of the bones in my middle ear removed, multiple surgeries on the mastoid area for various infections, and even though the doctors have tried valiantly - I don't have an ear drum any more in my left ear.  I was able to get a bone anchored hearing aid installed to help with my hearing.

I had my gallbladder out.  That was supposed to be quick and easy - laprascopic. But it turned into a surprisingly long surgery because they ended up having not being able to do it that way and having to open me with a 6 inch incision instead.

Decided I was tired of carrying around a lot of extra weight so I had gastric bypass surgery.  It worked fantastically.  As I have stated before - this is not a quick bandaid.  This is a lifelong issue for me.  And I have had quite a few problems as a result of the surgery.  I have had some internal hernias develop as a result that have had to be fixed as well as what the surgeon has called "redundant bowel".

I developed pancreatitis that landed me in the hospital, and because of my unique "plumbing" also got me a surgery to fix my sphincter of oddi because they couldn't fix it the  regular way.

Also, my remnant stomach ended up having to be removed because it eventually ended up bleeding.  That in and of itself was fun - just determining that it was what was bleeding and that it was bleeding for no good reason other than it just ... was.  Didn't even know you could live with having a good portion of your stomach removed.  But ... there you go.

And cancer - I've survived two of them now.  Renal cell carcinoma was discovered  really by accident when I was suffering from pancreatitis.  They did an abdominal CT to do some testing and just happened to find a tumor on my right kidney.  And voila! - Kidney cancer.  Renal cell carcinoma does not react well to chemo or radiation at all.  I had the tumor and my kidney removed and there were no other traces of the cancer found in my body.  I have made it now almost 6 years and no other traces of the cancer have been found.

Acute promyelocytic leukemia. In my research the way my came on is really unique - you expected something else?  :)  It literally came on within a few days, and I have not been able to find other cases with numbers like mine that did not have other complications.  At the time I don't think I had any idea how close I came to actually dying when I was diagnosed and very acute at the hospital.  I was just doing what I had to do to get to the next day.

I look at all of these things and yes, I am grateful. I am thankful. I am well aware of how far I have come - all I have nearly missed - all that God has saved me from.  I know. I am well aware. I am the one who has lived with this body that basically decides to betray me on a regular basis.

And I think that is where I have been stuck. I am the one who has lived it. And I am getting better.  I swear I am.  But this is not something that I one day wake up and decide ... OK people!  That was enough - I'm done living in that deep dark place.  But I can say - I am looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is dim - but I can kind of see it.  And part of what helps me to see it is to remind myself of what I have been through - where I have been.

It also helps to see and to hear all of the wonderful people who have stepped in to help me through all of this. I know that it has been hard to see me go through these things. I appreciate everything you have done for me.  Stick with me.  I will get there.  This last fight - sad to say - has changed me a bit - jaded me if you will.  To be honest - I'm just quite tired of having my body betray me like this and it has really messed with my mind.  I'm trying really hard to wade my way through it.  Stick with me - please.

Blood Donations - a good idea

Today at work there is a corporate blood drive happening. It makes me think... it's been a long time since I have been able to donate blood because of various reasons. Sometimes I was just sick, or had surgery. A lot of the time lately it was because of my bad anemia. Now, of course, it has to do with my cancer. But all of this brings me to thinking about just how much I really appreciate those of you who do donate blood, especially consistently. I received an inordinate amount of transfusions when I was hospitalized of both whole blood and platelets, and I can tell you that what you are doing today is saving lives. From those of us who can't donate... thank you.

Unexpected - a very good analogy

I read something recently about traumatic brain injury (it's very hard for me to even refer to myself this way for some reason) patients who have long term effects much like I do. It said that we wake up in the morning feeling like we either have the flu, or like we are hung over and there is nothing we can do about it. I felt like I was finally reading something where someone understood me.

I am having a very hard time finding anything about long term effects in hemmoraghic stroke patients like myself. I live in that world of knowing how to proceed because i can research it, etc... Well, it's not working in this case. Most people in my case end up as either a vegetable, or dead. So not helpful. The exercises they have me doing make everything worse. I know my recovery has been great, but there are long term side effects and so far as we can tell those are now permanent. I can work through them, and I am, but I am really young to be feeling this old. And this is not some meme I found on facebook. I am jealous of others my age as I watch all they do and all their energy. I don't have the focus or concentration. I can push myself, and I do. Sometimes it's worth it. But I pay for it, sometimes for days afterwards. My brain has to recooperate. I hate it.

I am pushing towards normal. Say it with me. Normal. It can be hard. And dark. Not that I don't have help. I do. But this is hard. And dark. Say it again.... normal. Is it ever coming for me?  Will I ever see normal again?

And all of this is just the stroke. I haven't touched the cancer.

Shaking my head.

Why do I write this stuff again? Check out some of these great videos:

Unexpected - where I am

So here I am.  What's up with me lately?

I did the talk on the Unexpected and how we should not ignore the times in our lives that are dark as long as do not ignore them - as long as we go through them with God.

So here I am.  I am going through a dark time.

I don't say this for a pat on the back.  I don't say this for an "Aw, Pam - it's OK." I say this because I just gave a talk on it and really it would be rather hypocritical of me if I didn't admit that I, myself, am going through a bit of a dark time, too.

Yeah, the cancer has been hard.  I have been classified as a high risk patient, which ensured that I have had to have maintenance therapy for 2 years.  Not a huge ordeal, but it's a lot to keep up with.  Pills to take that you can't miss, and schedules that you have to stay on top of.  It has taxed me because I have never really been very good at it.  So I have gotten much better at it because I have had to.

I think even harder has been my recovery from the stroke.  I hadn't considered it very much, but it has really been a lot.  According to doctors the stroke has had considerable detriment to my vestibular system - meaning the whole sensosymatic system of my body that handles the balance, focus, and concentration.  So I have gone through Vestibular Therapy 3 times a week where they "stir up" my symptoms in an effort to exercise my muscles. I have also been doing a specific kind of therapy on my feet in an effort to try to bring back some feeling in them (because I suffer from Raynaud's Syndrome as a result of peripheral neuropathy from the chemo). After doing these since the beginning of January it has been found that they really have not made that much of a difference. 3 times a week since the beginning of January.  I JUST CAN'T.  And I am not done seeing doctors.

So, yeah,  I am in a dark place right now.

A lot of you know me. You know I have been through a lot. 22 surgeries so far.  Countless visits to the hospital and doctors. And time after time after time after countless time I get back up again. It seems as though I get hit and I just get back up. I take a lick and keep on ticking so to speak. I may go to my land of denial for a while for some self preservation, but I seem to find a way to not allow these "issues" to keep me down. My faith keeps me steadfast.

And it is not that I do not have faith.  I do. But I am in a dark place.  And in keeping with practicing what I preach - I am just admitting - that is where I am. I am having a hard time.  I don't necessarily feel like I am at a place where I can take a lick and keep on ticking. I don't feel like I can practice my faith, or I can exercise my faith right now.  I don't feel like I am a good example to my children right now at what they should see when they look towards their mother for a Faith-ful woman - or a Proverbs 31 woman who can lead her children through the life they are experiencing right now.

Again - I didn't say this for a pat on the back. I didn't say this so you would have pity on me.  I just need to be honest and up front.  It's dark in here.

Unexpected - Again

When I originally posted my Unexpected post I had done a devotion for half time at Upward regarding how we all have the Unexpected in our life.  I was addressing all of the Unexpected that I had experienced in my life up to that point.  It was a lot to come out with and talk about.  I was trying to make sure that people understood that God is OK with how you handle the Unexpected in your life because He just wants to be there with you through it.

The Unexpected can take you to some dark places.  I have been to those dark places.  They aren't fun.  And for some of us they last longer than we would like them to. It's all OK.  God wants to be with you in the middle of it all. He knows, and it hurts Him too.

What I find so interesting is that it was literally almost 1 year to the day that I was there giving this same devotional about the Unexpected and then just a couple of weeks later I was in the ER because I found myself covered in these weird bruises.  That is when I was told I had leukemia, and then subsequently had my stroke.  Talk about the Unexpected.  It has just been the Unexpected from there.

This is what I talked about yesterday.  It can be hard to hear me at times because there was a lot going on, but I hope you can get what I was saying.

I still struggle with the Unexpected and handling those dark places. But God knows and He is there with me. I pray He is patient with me as I deal with them and figure them out.

World Cancer Day - You Can I Can

Today is World Cancer Day. As I sit and reflect on my own journey I am struck that in this day and age we still do not have a CURE for cancer. So many of us fight this disease in its many forms, and with it's many drugs. (Don't get me started on the conspiracy theories that I have regarding this.)

But on this day we can all unite. #YouCanICan

Go to www.worldcancerday.org to learn more about the fight against the many forms of cancer, and our desire to find support.

I Wonder

I have been thinking about the dichotomy in my body between the left side and the right side. On the left side is my one working kidney and the one working ovary.  So when I have pain on the left side of my body in that particular abdominal area - I can blame it on Liza (my good kidney), or Ophelia (my good ovary).

It has also been noticed that my left eye is a bit higher than my right eye. And, and I don't think it's a mistake that my stroke affected the right side of my body - making it ineffective since that side is basically ineffective anyway.

We're going to have to find a name for this.  It's just too good to let it go.

Unexpected - trying to find my sense of "normal"

I know I have not been keeping up with my blog.  To be honest - it's not because I don't want to - it has just been very hard for me to find the focus within myself after working, etc... to then spend time working on my blog as well.

Most of you know I went back to work full time back at the end of October.  I craved going back to work in order to find a real sense of normalcy. I have really loved going back to work. Being back in that building, and being back with the people I work with has filled that hole in my heart that was starting to widen and fill with anxiety the more I stayed home.  There were people who were not sure I was ready to return to work - for sure not ready to return to work full time.

Since returning back to work full time I will again be honest, and tell you that I have been struggling to find that sense of normal that I wanted so desperately to find by going back to begin with.  I have been considered a high risk cancer patient so I have to take oral chemo for the next 2 years in 3 month rotations. I have to be very mindful of what time of day it is so that I am sure that I am taking my meds at the right time.

I am still struggling with the after effects of the stroke that I had as a result of my cancer.  That is just as much a problem as the cancer that I am fighting - even though I am in remission from that. I have even fallen several times in the past few months.

And I struggle with longing for that sense of normal - it eludes me. I am so used to coming home from work - taking care of what I need to for home, kids, etc... and then getting back on the computer and doing what I need to do. Now I find it hard many days to even look at my phone because by the time I have driven home I have trouble mustering up that much effort to focus and concentrate. I desperately need to zone out. I am attending my General Physcian's Concussion Clinic, being seen at Vestibular Therapy, seeing a Neurologist Opthamologist for my eyes, and a Neurologist.

But I am driven to find that sense of normal.  I long for it. I need it. That is where I have been - hunting for my normal.

November Gratefulness Post - November 20

Friends who would not give up.  That is who Cheryl was to me. She would not give up on me ... period. She was in Chapel Hill and was trying to visit me at the hospital several times only to find that I was not really in a position to be visited.  Either I was asleep - which at that point was not something I could easily be woken up from - or I was out at a different test like an MRI.  I will give this to her.  She was beyond "Hey Pam ... What's good?" She was determined to make sure that I was recovering from this awfulness.  That my family was remaining in tact. That I was not being swallowed up whole from what had happened to me.  And I appreciate what she was trying to do - every bit of it.  I am so thankful.  For her friendship, and for her effort.  I won't forget it.

November Gratefulness Post - November 19

Cousins. Some of us have great ones.  Some of us take them for granted.  I have to say ... I think I have always taken mine for granted. I can go for very long periods with very little contact with mine. And for some reason I don't know why that is.  But I love them dearly.  And if they ever need me I do what I can for them.

But you don't know what your connection is to them until that connection is tested. Ours was tested last year when my dear Aunt Maggie passed into the next world. I loved her very much, and I will miss her dearly. So when she passed it was natural to step up and do what I could. It didn't even feel like enough.

But I was blown away by what my cousin, Angie, did for me when I got sick. It wasn't enough for her to check on me. She had to drop what she was doing and come up to North Carolina for a long weekend to help take care of me after I left the hospital.  This was so helpful in so many ways. It helped my mom and my husband because they had spent so much of their time taking care of me at that point. They were able to take a bit of a break at that point. She was very skilled and attentive to me and my needs. And it was just plain fun to spend time with her in a way we had not been able to in so many ways.  I know it wasn't quite the same because I wasn't quite up to par, but it really did mean so much to me.

The whole family just had so much fun while she was here. It was so needed. And it's something we all look back on with such fondness. I can't thank her enough.

November Gratefulness Post - November 18

I think that you can tell from my posts that I have had friends coming out of the woodwork   And yet, I have other friends that have been with me for forever just pick up the pace, and do what needed to be done. I was amazed at what my friends from high school did for me while I was sick. When they found out that one of their own was in need they just did what needed to be done.  Especially my fellow cheerleaders from high school.  We formed a bond that can never be broken and it has followed us for going on almost 25 years.  We live all over the country now and it doesn't seem to matter. They have been the hands and feet of Christ for me in a time when I needed Christ to carry me through because I could not carry myself. I felt their presence and their deeds in more ways than one. I want them all to know how thankful I am for everything they did for me.

November Gratefulness Post - November 17

I don't know if this person will even see this post.  His name is Ian. He was my first nurse when I was at UNC Chapel Hill.  Actually, he may not have been my first.  He could have been my second. But my memory of that time is not all that great.  But as far as I'm concerned he was my first. And I did not call him Ian. I called him Starlord. Why? Because he reminded me of Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy (one of my favorite movies of all time).

He got me through some very harrowing times during those initial days. And with grace. He was incredible. We had a lot in common as far as interests. I had just come back from taking the girls to Winter Jam and I had a bunch of videos to share because it was so fun. He loved all of the bands. He was thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. We shared lots of stories.

He helped me get through to not so fun procedure of getting my PICC line installed. He helped me focus and talked me through it as the radiologists did what they needed to me as I laid in my bed.

He encouraged me through various test results that I received in my room. He was also from New England and we shared a love for Tom Brady and the New England PEvenatriots.  That right there told me he was a good egg.  :)  He brought a fantastic poster of Tom Brady to encourage me. He said it brought him good luck, so it would bring me good luck as well.  Looking back, I could use all the good luck I could get!

And on that horrible day that I had my stroke - I was talking to him when it happened. I couldn't have been in a better place or talking to a better person. He knew exactly what was happening and what to do.  No one else did.  I was looking at Daren and asking him questions and apologizing for what was happening because I didn't understand.  But Starlord, he just snapped into action. He knew. He did what needed to be done. And I will be forever grateful to him. Without him I don't know where I would be today.

He only worked in the stepdown unit that I was in when I came into the hospital. But I managed to find him before I left the hospital and he came to see me in my cancer ward. I was able to see him after he got engaged and talk to him about it. He was able to see that I recovered from my stroke and that I was responding to my chemotherapy. I am so thankful for that. I hope to go back there some day and make sure that he knows that I am in remission from this dreadful disease, and that I am so thankful for all that he did for me.

November Gratefulness Post - November 16

One day while I was sitting in my room on the cancer ward at UNC Chapel Hill this reverend walked into my room.  At first I thought that maybe he was a chaplain with the hospital. I mean, why would I think anything else?

Then he explained that he was the father of someone that my husband and I went to HIGH SCHOOL WITH!!!!!!!!!  I mean what?  We live in North Carolina and went to high school in Massachusetts. Bethany Steigler Guiste and Kirk Steigler's dad, as well as Rebecca McGregor's pastor.  Their dad was now living in North Carolina and they had asked him to come to the hospital and check on me because they knew that I was in a bad way and needed that spiritual guidance and prayer.

I can't even tell you what it meant to me to have him come and visit with me.  It was such a short period of time, but the joy and peace that he brought to me simply can't be put into words.  We talked a bit. He prayed for me  and over me.  He anointed me with oil from the Holy Land. It meant so much to me!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It was just what I needed at just the right time. And to come from friends that we hadn't seen in such a long time, and certainly wasn't expecting it from ... all that more meaningful.

November Gratefulness Post - November 15

I met Kelli Ditmar at one of the first jobs I had when I lived in Michigan. We knew right away that we would be great friends. I can't believe we have stayed in touch this long!  It's been 20 years!

She has been sending me wonderful and encouraging messages, as well as beautiful blankets to keep[ me warm and inspired when I was in the hospital.  Since I have left the hospital I ave looked forward to the notes she has sent me on a regular basis that have encouraged me and often made me laugh. They have brought me back to the days that we worked together and I love that.

And not to mention - she looks FABULOUS!  I love you Kelli.  I can't thank you enough for all you have done.

November Gratefulness Post - November 14

I met Leah what seems like forever ago, through our husbands. They were what seems like "forever friends". They are guys. They are the kinds of friends who can not talk to each other for years and it doesn't matter cause ... well ... they are guys. They will not talk to each other, then see each other, get together and BAM! It's like they were never apart. 

So when Leah and I met there was some expectation that we would be best friends as well.  And I am here to say - we clicked.  :)  I'm not sure how - we just did.  And I'm so glad.  Even though we have lived anywhere from  thousands of miles apart to just down the road from each other ... we have made it work.  Admittedly - it works better just down the road from each other. :)

And she just knows my heart.  I wish she didn't have to know when it hurt so bad. But I am forever grateful for when she does. For she is one of my lifelines.

Thank you Leah.  I don't need to say much more.

November Gratefulness Post - November 13

I work full time at a great company. From the time I was diagnosed with this awful disease they have been incredibly supportive. But specifically the group of people that I worked with have been incredibly generous to me through this whole ordeal. They have been not only concerned for me, but have been there for me in a myriad of ways. They even came and visited me in the hospital. They made it possible for me to come and visit them at work once I could after I was out of the hospital, and made sure that my visits lifted my spirits. They sent me cards, gifts, baskets, etc... and they all came at just the right time, and had just the right words of encouragement. Many of them will never know just how much I appreciated what they did for me, and what they continue to do for me now that I have returned to work. Just because I have returned does not mean that the battle has been won. I continue to fight on a daily basis. I appreciate what all of them do for me every day.

November Gratefulness Posts - November 12

I know that I am very very behind. I have a very good reason. I came back to work full force - which is my M.O. I don't do anything half way. I go in all the way or I don't go in at all. Well, my brain that has suffered a stroke - and a pretty serious one at that - didn't react all that well to it.  I thought I was doing fairly well at it because I had remembered everything that I needed to and that was the measurement I was using. But in actuality my brain was giving me pretty good signs that it had enough and that it needed a break. I was getting headaches that  wouldn't stop and they weren't like the migraines I am used to. I was also experiencing vertigo and dizziness pretty badly. I could not remember what had happened  during my stroke and right afterwards. So my husband and sister helped me remember. It was not very pretty.

I had always wondered how my family had gotten through that time. It was really rather harrowing. How did my husband and sister know to do what they did? How did they know to listen to one doctor over another? How were they so sure they had made the right decision? I was so sick. I was in such unknown territory to not only them, but also the doctors. This was all so scary.  This was truly my land of denial. And they literally chose to keep me there. I am just making my way out of it, and it scares me. I will take a step out and look around and look at what I see, then bolt back at denial because I just plain don't like it. How did they live there without me?

And now I know.  There were friends - good - dear friends - praying me through it.  I cry as I write it. How could I doubt it?  RAMP. You were there. You stood in the gap. You knew. You prayed. You prayed for just the right thing.  I had no idea. I was in never never land. But when I talk to Daren about it now - he knows that it's the only way we made it through. It's the only way he made the right decision for me when he had no idea what it should be.  RAMP was praying for me, praying for the doctors to have unity, praying for Daren to make the right decision. He knows that without that, that without my sister beside him to help him have clarity of mind ... he may not have made the right decision to have me here beside him today.

I shake. I cry. I toss. I turn. Where would I be without my RAMP girls to hold me up before the thron of our almighty father?  As one of them most recently said to me ... to help me back from the "brink"?  

So you want to know why I have been behind?  I have been so tired from work.  My brain has been overworked.  I used to be on my computer 24/7. Even when I was done with work I would be on it - either working more or on facebook, or doing more research.  Now I am done with work and I am done with the computer. So I have had some trouble getting my posts done, and I apologize because it makes me fall behind on so many things that I am doing on my computer.  I'm sorry.

What is your story?

I'm taking a break from getting caught up on my November thankfulness posts to post about something else that seems to be weighing heavily on my mind lately.  I know - I'm just a blogging fool these days.  :)

I have been hearing so much about different people's stories lately.  Some of it is famous people's stories. Some of it may be people I grew up with. Some of it may be people I work with. Some of it may be people that my kids know, or acquaintances that have a great story. Sometimes - it is even me that I am told again and again has a great story.

But here is the thing that is weighing on my heart, and that I think we all need to remember. ALL OF US HAVE A STORY.  Just because I have blogged about it, and I sit here and share it and make sure you know it doesn't mean I'm the only one with a story.  ALL OF US HAVE A STORY.

We all have a story.  A life story.  Things that have happened to us - good, bad, hard, things that could crush us if we let them. Things that we could use to point somewhere else. Things that have happened that have shaped us.

And not all of us are willing to share that story.  My life is an open book.  I have always said that. My life is an open book.  Now that is not always a good thing. The fact that every detail of my life is out there for people to know - not always a good thing.  But that is how I have always been.  When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant - you knew. I let everyone know about our infertility battles.  My intention was so that people who needed to learn from our difficulties could, but the downside was that everyone knew everything all the time.  I knew other friends who were going through fertility battles who specifically didn't want anyone to know at all.

Know that you have a story whether you know it or not, whether you share it or not.  Some people are better it at sharing it than others.  But all of us have a life story. Something that has shaped us and made us in to the person we are today.  It's a matter of whether or not you are willing to share what has shaped you.  It's OK if you are not willing to share, or if you feel  you can't. But know that we all need to be pointing to God in what we do - whether we are sharing our story publicly or not. This is the litmus test that we should be holding others to.

November Gratefulness Post - November 11

It is said that we have friends who come into our lives for a reason or a season. Some friends have been there for a really long time and some - not so long.  And then - hey! There goes a pumpkin!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's my Kris.  I had heard of her through my mom, and then met her one year during my trip to Cancun, Mexico. She came running up to my sister and I and announced that she was adopting the two of us as sisters. Life as I knew it would never be the same. I now had an adopted sister who lived in Connecticut. And wouldn't you know it ... she loved strawberries too!  :)

She sent me the most wonderful gift box when I was in the hospital to lift my spirits. I still walk around in my beautiful hat to lift my spirits because she knew it would do that for me.

I love that she knew just what would make me strong because she is my adopted sister.  Thank you so much my love.

November Gratefulness Post - November 10

You find out who your true friends are when they show up for you when you are in your darkest hour. When they know when your darkest hour is. But also when they know how to make you smile like no other.  When they know your ins and outs.  When they know your sarcasm needs.  They know that the weirdness you need makes you better - lifts you up. Krystal - I can't thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you.  For showing up at the hospital right away. For showing up at the hospital later.  For taking me to chemo. For being at the house and for joking with me when I needed it most. And mostly, for crying with me when you didn't want to.  I know you hate it as much as I do.  But you will never know how much it means to me.  You rock my sister from another mister.